Monday, January 09, 2012


I have just given up a friendship.  I am sad and mad and upset, but mostly I am fine.  It was both sudden and not.

This friendship was an important one to me.  We met while expecting our babies, who ended up being born on the same day, just a few hours and rooms apart.  I had dreams of our kids being lifelong friends.

It's one thing to be friends with other parents of newborns, but trickier once the kids get a little older.  Maybe a year ago after I listened to yet another story about the screaming match she got into with her not quite two year old and the nit-picking of her husband's faults*, Tom and I agreed that maybe they are not "our people" after all.

*Not that we haven't all complained about our spouses now and again.  These stories often took venting to new levels.

Then there were the two years in a row when they were invited to our house, confirmed, and then ended up at a different friend's home instead.  And that other friend?  Lived about the same distance from them that we do, only in another direction.

More importantly, there was that call I made to her last year around this time.  Struggling and feeling like I was drowning, I turned to her.  Told her what I was going through and didn't quite buy it when she said she couldn't hear me well and ended the call.  A month later she wrote to apologize and I just let it go without comment.

This friend had a second baby two months ago, a daughter.  Some of the stories I heard several weeks back... the last time I called, because I am always the one who calls... reminded me of our own Mad-A-Girl.  The independence, the determination.  I laughed and said, "Sounds like you've got your own Madelyn!"

Are those bad words?

Because when we spoke today she said her husband was upset that I would say something negative, you know, about his baby.

"But I told him you didn't mean it that way, in a bad way."

"And then there's the fact that there is absolutely nothing wrong with my daughter."

Sometimes in life I have overreacted and/or been too quick to react.  It's not a mistake I like to keep making, so I let the conversation end itself naturally (not before listening to how she can't relate to other moms who have a second baby because she's just so darn sure it's worse for her than it is for anyone else.  Really?!?).

I spoke with Tom and I spoke with Nancy.

If it were just the stupid comment about my girl, I'd probably attribute it to sleep deprivation and extra hormones.  But all in all, I've had enough.

I contemplated writing a lengthy email detailing my exact feelings (this is the Reader's Digest version, in case you were wondering), but instead decided to call her back.  I got their answering machine and left a message.  I wanted to say that I loved her kids, but I didn't.  I just said I couldn't be friends with someone who thought comparing their child to my own was hurtful, upsetting or offensive (all words that were used, can you believe it?) and that I would just enjoy the memories of when I thought we were friends.  And that is it.

And it is.

Or it will be once I get over it.


Noelle said...

Oh Shan, I am so sorry!

Brooke said...

Shan I'm sorry. Losing friends is hard and I just went through a similar situation in giving up a friend. Now that I'm a parent, my family comes first and I can't put myself in toxic relationships.

Good for you for what you did but I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'd be interested to know if she actually replies...

Leslie said...

Wow, good for you! That does not sound like a friend at all. Does she read this blog? Super hard to "break up" with a girlfriend.
And you feel ok with her reading this post? Just curious, as I often want to write personal things like this, but am always afraid of who is going to read it.

Emms said...

I'm sorry Shan, that really sucks. At least you realized it and got out of that toxic relationship. Big hugs to you.

Shan said...

Leslie, she as far as I know she does not read this blog. I only have a few acquaintances and one of my husband's best friends who drop in... everyone else is from BBC or other blogs. Still, it is hard to put something like this out there, especially when it's not fully resolved. If she did read it, she would more fully understand my side. Since I kept my hurt feelings to myself along the way, I can imagine some of it would come as a surprise.

Anti-Supermom said...

Shan, I wrote about losing a friend too... a long time ago, but it *is* hard. I'm horrible at making friends and have only a ew to how for this, and she was one of them...

she had/has a ton of friends and never 'needed' my friendship, or o I felt.

It is toxic and I'm glad you are trong enough to end it.

Anti-Supermom said...

I forgot to write, people were worried about me writing what I did in my blog. I told them it was all honest, and for that, I shouldn't be ashamed or worried what she thought.

renegademothering said...

Um, if I had a dollar for every time I told somebody "Oh, wow, she sounds just like Georgia! You're screwed!" I'd be rich. Or at least I'd have a couple hundred more bucks. That would be nice.

Anyway, I admire you for dropping the drama. Sometimes it must be done, though it's difficult. I respect you for your directness. I've been known to just drop off the scene MIA style. Total pussy move.

Also, FYI, If you ever invite me over to your house I'll never leave. Just sayin.

Jaye said...

Don't be too upset about it. You didn't lose as much as you thought you did. You didn't lose a good friend because she wasn't a good friend to begin with. Good friends are so hard to come by these days especially when you have kids. Hang in there. Give it some time and I'm sure you will find someone that's worthy of being your friend.

Corinne O'Sullivan said...

Ughh, sorry that you had to go through that. Breaking up with a friend is so much harder than ending a romantic relationship, and those aren't exactly easy either.

I believe you did the right thing making a clean break. Constant negative comments and feelings just aren't worth it to either side. I hope that your 'friend' at least calls you back to apologize or clear things up, if anything to end the friendship in a good light.

But if she doesn't, it will just reinforce your decision.

I hope things feel a little easier tomorrow.

Let's Find H-Man A Wife said...

From a distance, it's not the end of the world. I recall some cynic telling me that you met your best friends years ago and you can't repeat that. I found a few folks who I thought would be great friends and they went away. It's her loss, Shannon

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