Walk of Shame

This was written on April 11, 2008.  It was part of a longer story about how I went into labor the night before.  Twenty-two hours after I wrote it we met Mad face to face for the first time.


I took the car to my pals at Big O in Ontario to get the oil changed. I wasn't sure if I was having lunch with Nance or not, and I hadn't eaten yet, so I decided to walk down the street three blocks or so to where all the food places are. For those of you who are familiar with the area, this is not the Big O at the Mills, this is the original Ontario location... on Holt. I adore Mike and Carlos, and they do great work, so that's where I go. Normally I would have taken Corey with me, but he had work to do and I was looking forward to girl time if I did get together with Nance. Plus, Corey whines every time we go to Casa... he says the food is bland, but he almost always orders the exact same thing... a bean and cheese burrito with rice and beans on the side... freak!


I knew that it would be kind of a long wait at Big O before I brought the car over, which is why I decided to trek down and get something to eat. I figured that waiting would only make me sick and that I'd have a harder time going if it became really necessary later. So I waddled off down the street.


Holt is a fairly busy street, and I heard lots of people honking at each other as I worked my way to Grinder Haven. Once there, I enjoyed a breakfast burrito (but no machaca like they used to make when I was a kid... grr), and then I headed back to Big O. Along the way there was still more honking, and try as I might, I never could see where anyone cut anybody else off or any other reason for people to be honking. Then a man in a Lexus SUV honked at me, pulled into the center lane and looked directly at me. I couldn't see him clearly, but I wondered if maybe I knew him from the Chamber or something... until he drove off and came back up the street and did a U-turn ahead of me (but on the other side).


Then I realized what I should have known from the get-go: I can't walk on Holt, land of hookers since well before I was a kid, alone! Even if I am nine months pregnant, wearing the entirely unsexy black polo shirt, jeans and flip flops. I'm on Holt. Alone! Idiot. And I'm not sure who the bigger idiot is here, me or the people who thought I could/would fulfill any pregnant woman fantasies. Seriously, do I look like a whore?


So when I got back to the shop I told Carlos, "Never let me walk unattended in this area again!" Poor guy. Horrified, he said, "Shannon, I didn't even see you leave. I would have given you a ride." What a sweetie. And besides, I wouldn't have taken the ride, I was going for the double benefit of eating and taking a walk.

Party Planning At Its Least Finest

Ever decide to have a New Year's Eve party?  But then, because you live at least 45 miles from anyone, you open your home for a giant sleepover?  And as you're inviting people, you include some of your coolest, funniest friends... and also some of your sweetest, nicest friends... so you have people who don't miss the chance to attend a church function (I know!  These people talk to me.  I can't believe it either) and the ones who never miss a chance to drop an F-bomb or explain their latest theories on evolution, gay rights or why the book listing hundreds of terms for masturbation is a HI-larious must read.


Yeah.  Me too.  What the hell was I thinking?


So if all goes as "planned" we should have between 12 and 25 people here for the festivities.  What festivities?  Well, maybe some poker.  Definitely the drawing game and probably Boxers or Briefs. (I just found that the game is discontinued.  That's the only reason I can come up with for the insane price.  You can borrow mine.)  And I bought poppers to freak out the poor dog.


Introductions will be something like this: 


"People who named their kid Luke Skywalker, meet people who want to open their own accounting business."


"Person who became a minister for the sole purpose of performing gay marriages when they became (briefly) legal in California, meet divorced husband and wife, her boyfriend and all the kids these people are raising."


"People who remodeled their home to be nearly completely green, meet people who think WalMart is right up there with sliced bread."


I sort of want to cancel the reminder that's supposed to go out in two days.


I'll let you know how it goes.


***The drawing game is something we've played with a couple of the cool funnies.  Everybody has a piece of paper (preferably not lined, but whatever).  At the top of yours, write a common phrase.  "Out of the frying pan, into the fryer" is the usual explanation and the one you should definitely not write.  Everybody else does the same, but with their own phrases.  Don't allow peaking.  Fold the very tippy-top of your paper over so it covers the writing, but not much of the paper.  Pass it to the left.  Open the one you received.  Make a drawing to explain the phrase.  Fold over and pass to the left.  Check out the drawing - but not the actual phrase - and write the phrase you think it's trying to express.  Repeat until everyone's paper is returned to them or until you run out of room.  Much hilarity should ensue upon seeing what people wrote and drew.