How do I love thee?
Let me count the blackheads,
The white heads,
The stray eyebrows that keep finding their way to my chin.
What kind of a fool leaves for five days and doesn’t take you with?
A hairy she-beast who, three days in, fondles her chin hairs in the manner of old time professors.
Upon returning home, She-Beast will silently call out for you while tending to other important duties. Like taking a three year old (and herself) to the potty and then through the rest of the world’s fastest bedtime routine, unloading the car and notifying concerned friends and family members that we are all home again, home again, jiggity jig.
But then, oh then, she will steal up the stairs and into her lair, where she’ll search frantically for Grandma’s old tweezers. Finding them, she will push her face into you, beloved 10X mirror and gasp, “What the hell did you do to yourself?!”
Soon all will be well (plucked and squeezed) in her world and she will move onto other important tasks, like paying the mortgage and showering.