I remember looking at myself in the mirror right before I left the bathroom to go have sex for the first time. And I remember inspecting my face later to see if I'd changed. Was it as obvious to everybody else as it was to me? Were my eyes giving me away?
I'm not sure if I remember the answers now or if what I recall is really just a fantasy.
For the past few days I keep finding my face in the mirror again. No, not because I'm about to have sex for the first time after Fynn. We're currently practicing the Bristol Palin method of birth control. I understand it didn't work so well for her. Maybe she didn't read the instructions. (Or maybe she didn't fall asleep so fast?)
No, I am now at the far end of the womanhood spectrum. Not that far, although I have joked I'll be going straight from maternity to menopause (please let me be joking!).
Friday I'm going in for my laparoscopy tubal sterilization. I feel like they could have come up with a better name. What's wrong with ligation, anyway? Sterilization makes it sound like I'm the black sheep of the family. Trust me, as weird as I am... this sheep ain't the black one!
It's easy to let myself get distracted, and maybe I should let it go with that. Because the focus is this: Today I could have another baby if I chose (okay, yes, and could stay awake... sticklers!). Tomorrow, too. But when I get home on Friday afternoon, that will no longer be true.
Do I want to have more children? No. Not really. I know why we wanted to have a third child, and I am so glad we got Fynn out of the deal, but I could have easily stopped after Mad was born. We were supposed to stop before she was conceived. She was just very intent on joining us and improving our lives.
Add to that my 10 days early daughter. Corey and Mad were born the day after and the day before their respective due dates. It's cool that I got to experience the whole water breaking to kick off labor, but I do suspect Fynn came early because of my age. After she was born I heard that early water breaking is most common among teen moms and those of "advanced maternal age." I'm not up for risking anything else.
And last, I'd like to ingest as few chemicals as possible, and that includes birth control.
So I'm not looking for a way out of the surgery. At this point I'm still not freaking out about it (although I did make a pact with my friend; she'll tell my kids every day that I love them if something happens to me... I'll remind her husband not to let his sister watch their son if something ever happens to her).
But I do look at myself and wonder if I'll see a change. Will it be as obvious to everybody else as it is to me? Will my eyes give me away?