Focus

So... the answer is a resounding no.  I am fine.  Tom is okay.  We'll get through.  It helps immeasurably to know that a baby hadn't actually been made. 


My doctor insisted on doing a D&C.  As with many instances between us, I declined.  I did a bit of research yesterday before calling him and found that many doctors now believe it's better to let nature take its course.  And anyway, he wanted me to have it done in his office.  I can only assume that would have meant getting a local anesthetic.  Non-baby making pregnancy or no, I do NOT want to hear that!  During my first miscarriage, the doctor and his team played music as I was drifting off to sleep.  Now, every time I hear Bobby Brown singing that song, I go back to the yellow gowns and yellow lights of that room.


I took the day off today.  When I spoke with Tom yesterday, he arranged to be off, too.  I believe he was anticipating a trip down the hill to see the doctor.  If it had been necessary, we would have gone.  But the worst seemed to be over by the time I got up this morning.  I'm going back to work tomorrow.


Have I mentioned that I'm a list maker?  I am.  I am always working on a list.  Of jobs to do.  Of reasons why or why not.  Of the good side versus the bad.  So here is a partial list of the good things for now.  Don't think that because I'm not listing the bad, I don't feel it very deeply.  It's just not where I'm going to focus right now.


So... the good things are (in no particular order, normally I'd prioritize or alphabetize or something, but tonight I'm gonna wing it):


*I didn't tell Nancy last week even though I really wanted to.  Her sister-in-law's mother died this morning and Nancy's own mother finally got the diagnosis.  Pancreatic cancer.  "The cure would be worse than the cause."  Yeah, I'm happy not to have added to that burden.
*I can have chocolate and/or coffee for a little while longer.  I won't, though, because last week I was reminded of all the bad things that can happen to a developing baby person if caffeine is consumed.  Tom and I haven't discussed it, but I'm assuming he'll still want to continue trying once we're able.
*I don't have to find out if I still fit into my maternity clothes.  Okay, this is awful.  I lost all the baby weight within about five days of having Mad.  The 10 additional pounds is just me being lazy.  Guh!  I had actually wondered if Doc wasn't able to confirm the pregnancy through physical examination because I'm too fat. 
*We don't have any new extra expenses coming up right away.  Granted, the expenses would be less than when we had Mad, especially if we had another daughter, but the things we'd have to buy (crib, dresser, etc.) wouldn't be the little things.  Of course, this could change if we manage to create a mini-Mad, but for now, no.
*We didn't tell anyone else.  I didn't even give off hints that would clue people in so they'd ask.  We'd taken the test at home on Thursday evening.  Friday morning I faked coffee.  I went to the kitchen with someone, got a cup of decaf and then left it on my desk when I headed out a few minutes later.  Do I regret wasting coffee?  A little, but even decaf has caf, so it's out.  Anyway, by not blowing our cover, I now won't have to endure the stuff that would make me cry.  And we have one particular woman in our office who loves to make people cry.
*And lastly, I'm not bothered or upset by anyone else's pregnancy.  So we're keeping the drama way low-key.  I do have an acquaintence who is pregnant.  She's in my mommy group.  Her shower is about a week away.  I won't be going, but I RSVP'd two weeks ago.  It's when Tom and I are celebrating our anniversary (four years married, nine-plus together... I can't wait until the "together" number is the smaller one).  Plus, Lauren and I have nothing in common except our babies.  Nothing.  And she rarely responds to my emails or calls anyway.  Frankly, I feel the fact we're shipping a gift is more than generous.  But I'm not doing it for her so much as for Mad to have a better chance of a few lifelong friends.


Oh, and in some weird karmic way, I have further evidence that Celine Salon (Dion) and I are linked.  She is also no longer pregnant.  I don't know how far along she was, but I'd be willing to bet the full extent of my extra cash (right now I believe that's the eleven cents sitting in the cup holder in my car) that she's having a much harder time than we are.  That sucks... what is it The Rambler says?... oh yeah, sweaty donkey balls.  I say that lovingly even though I have always, always denigrated her singing (ahem... when I wasn't secretly singing along... shh).  The fact that her version of "At Last" was our song is only because Etta James' was too scratchy and Cyndi Lauper's was just.too.freaking.weird (no matter how much we wanted to love it)... and *sigh* yes, because Celine Salon's version rocked.  Until it became the soundtrack for Fancy Feast commercials.  Whatever.